Do I believe that God is good? Do I believe that His goodness even if I am in pain? Even if the answer to relief is no? Do I believe?
I've been running this race of constant back pain for over a year. I have prayed and prayed, begged, pleaded, yelled, and hid in despair. The ups and downs of this journey has stripped me the fake faith. It will be ok, as long as the pain stops, or things go my way.
This past week, I had another back spasm. I was doing well. Physical therapy and chiropractic care seemed to be helping. I was still sleeping on the couch, and hard struggles with sleeping, but at least I could bend over and take care of my kids. Then BAM! I could barely move.
I called my mom, from laying on the living room floor unable to move, asking her to come over and watch my 4 month old and 3 year old. I spent the rest of the weekend (my birthday weekend) on the couch. Disappointment doesn't begin to cover how I felt.
I asked my elders to pray for me on Sunday. Honestly, I think I asked because I knew that was the correct response, not because I believed it would make a difference. Physical pain has a way of darkening every perspective, blinding any potential hope. I needed prayer, but to place my hope in the power of prayer can lead to disappointment.
This past year has been about enduring through physical pain and broken relationships. I have prayed for the same things over and over, with no change occurring. It feels useless to pray at times, and yet I need to. I need God. There's nothing else. This past weekend I prayed this prayer. "Lord Jesus Christ, the son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." The pain was so severe, it was all I could pray. Even in the midst of the elders and other friends gathered around to pray over me, the pain was like daggers down my leg. There wasn't a immediate miracle. I still was in pain.
On the way home, I was struck by the thought "Do you believe that I am good, Rebekah?" "Do you believe even if it hurts, even if things don't change?" And in my heart of hearts, I do. God is good, even if I never am healed, even if relationships never get reconciled, even if I have to spend everyday in pain. God is good. I don't understand how or why things are the way they are. I can't see how God can get glory out of broken bodies and relationships. My vision is limited, but God unlimited.
So I continue to pray. I choose to trust in the promises of God. I choose to believe that He is good. I choose to believe that He will take care of me.
I will wait here for the Lord, whatever He has planned will be to His glory and for my joy. He is my joy. I believe. I believe.
